When Self-Doubt Gets in the Way of Finding a Relationship
By Saff Mitten
If you’re single and find yourself second-guessing your worth, holding back from connection, or wondering why forming good relationships feel so difficult, you’re not alone. Many women I work with describe a sense of emotional stuckness, wanting closeness, but feeling unsure, guarded, or convinced they’ll be rejected if they show up fully.
This isn’t about being “bad at dating.” It’s about the beliefs you’ve internalized over time (often shaped by past experiences), that influence how you relate to yourself and others.
Why self-doubt is so common (and so rarely talked about)
Self-doubt often develops in response to earlier experiences where your needs weren’t met, your emotions weren’t validated, or you learned that being “too much” or “not enough” led to disconnection. Over time, these experiences can shape how you see yourself and how safe it feels to be open, assert your needs, or trust someone new.
In therapy, we don’t just look at the surface behaviours (like overthinking or avoidance). We explore the deeper beliefs that drive them, and begin to gently challenge the idea that being genuinely yourself is not going to attract the right partner.
Three common limiting beliefs I often work with in therapy
These self-doubt related beliefs aren’t flaws. They’re protective strategies that may have helped you cope in the past, but they aren’t helpful in the present and can get in the way of finding and building the kind of connection you want.
1. “If they really knew me, they’d reject me.”
This belief often stems from earlier experiences of shame, criticism, or emotional neglect. You may have learned to hide parts of yourself to stay safe, emotionally or relationally.
In therapy, we explore where this belief comes from and begin to build the self-trust needed to show up more fully - without fear of being “too much” or “not enough.”
2. “My value depends on how I look or what I’ve achieved.”
When your sense of worth is tied to appearance, success, or being “the best,” relationships are a lot of effort and can feel like performance. You might find yourself striving to be impressive, rather than feeling safe to be real. Online dating also feeds into this.
Therapy helps you reconnect with your inherent value and start to feel comfortable showing up genuinely, without feeling the need to prove yourself or present a version of who you are.
3. “It won’t last, so I shouldn’t get too attached.”
If you’ve experienced loss, inconsistency, or emotional withdrawal in the past, it makes sense that closeness might feel risky. This belief can lead to emotional distancing, self-sabotage, or choosing unavailable partners.
In therapy, we explore these fears and challenge them gently. Past experiences don’t have to dictate your future and together we can work on starting to ensure that’s the case.
What therapy offers (beyond advice or reassurance)
Therapy isn’t about quick fixes or dating strategies. It’s a space to slow down, reflect, and begin to shift the patterns that keep you stuck. It’s about understanding yourself more deeply and learning how to relate in ways that feel safe, authentic, and grounded.
In my work with single women dealing with self-doubt when it comes to relationships and dating, I focus on each woman as an individual. However, some common themes include:
- Uncovering the root of their self-doubt
- Building on their sense of self-worth
- Practising thinking and behaving differently
- Strengthening their ability to be vulnerable and authentic in relationships
This work isn’t always easy, but it’s deeply worthwhile. When you begin to trust yourself, you may find everything else starts to shift.
If this article resonated with you…
I'm Saff Mitten, a specialist counsellor and psychotherapist supporting women through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
My approach is shaped by my professional training and experience, together with the personal understanding I bring from my own journey through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
Through both my therapeutic work and my writing, I explore the emotional and psychological impact of these experiences to help women make sense of feelings that can often be difficult to put into words and feel less alone.
If you're looking for support with infertility, IVF or miscarriage, you can follow the link below to learn more about how I support women through these experiences. I work online and support women across the UK.