The Anger and Rage of IVF and Infertility
By Saff Mitten
There is far more room to talk about sadness and grief during infertility and IVF than there is to admit to anger or rage. Yet alongside the disappointment, grief, fear and loss, you may feel incredibly angry at the unfairness of it all.
You may be feeling deep rage towards the situation you find yourself in. Rage at the randomness and unfairness of who gets to have a baby easily vs who struggles. And anger from having to endure so much without any guarantee that it will lead to the life you desperately want.
The fact is, on this journey you can do everything asked of you and more. You can attend every appointment, take every medication, put your body through IVF and keep finding the strength to try again when it isn't successful. You can sacrifice so much else, and put the rest of your life on hold. Yet you cannot control the outcome of what you are facing. There is no amount of effort, determination or wanting that can ensure you become a mother. And that is hard, unfair and can fuel a deep anger and rage inside of you.
As a therapist who works with women facing these issues every day, and who has lived through this difficult journey myself, this level of anger and rage does not surprise me at all. I have felt it myself.
You are facing something profoundly difficult that threatens the life you always imagined and expected to have, and yet the world carries on as though nothing has happened. There is no guarantee that what you are enduring will lead to a baby, often no answer as to why this is happening to you, and no way to make it feel fair or just. What are you supposed to do with that? How can you not feel angry about that? And where does that anger go when you cannot change the reality you are living through or guarantee the outcome you want, despite all your effort?
The reality of what you are living through can feel so unbearably cruel and unfair that it makes you angry at life and the world in general. So much so, it may make you feel like you want to burn the world down at times.
For most of us, the depth and intensity of this anger is unfamiliar. You may have felt angry before, but never experienced rage like this. It can feel frightening to discover feelings so intense that you hardly recognise yourself in them.
You might worry about what would happen if you stopped containing them and have thoughts like:
“If I let any of this out, will I be able to stop?”
“Will it overwhelm me?”
“Will I lose control?”
"Will I scare myself, or others?"
"What will other people think of me and who I have become?"
So you may work very hard to hold it all in.
People tend to feel comfortable with you sharing a certain amount of your sadness or grief, and these are acceptable feelings that tend to elicit sympathy or a desire to comfort and make someone feel better. So you might be able to talk about being sad or disappointed or experiencing a sense of loss. But saying “I am so angry” often feels much harder, and much less acceptable.
Additionally, the anger and rage may feel too big to explain, or too frightening to allow yourself to acknowledge fully. You might also judge yourself for feeling it, adding shame to everything else you are already carrying.
If the anger and rage is contained and you are trying to keep it hidden, it is likely some of it may start to trickle out in situations unrelated to infertility and IVF.
Some of that anger may come out in smaller ways, without you even realising what is behind it. You might find yourself bickering with your partner over things that would not usually bother you, feeling more impatient and frustrated by small inconveniences, or having less understanding for other people generally. When you are working hard to suppress intense feelings, they can come out sideways. You may notice yourself reacting strongly to something small, while the much bigger thing you are furious about remains unspoken.
These moments can add to your fear that the rage might eventually explode out of you uncontrollably. But feeling intense anger, or noticing it spill into everyday frustrations, does not mean you are about to lose control. You can acknowledge and express some of what you feel gradually, without having to unleash it all at once.
Also, although anger and sadness can often be linked, the intense anger and rage I am talking about here does not have to be understood simply as an expression of grief. Grief is real and valid, and so is anger. There is a lot to be angry about: what infertility has taken from you, what IVF demands of you, and the unfairness of having to go through any of this in the first place.
Therapy can give you somewhere to acknowledge that anger without having to justify it or turn it into something more acceptable. Somewhere to say how cruel and unfair this feels, without being hurried towards hope or acceptance.
It can also help you explore safe, controlled and contained ways to express some of it, particularly if you are frightened by its intensity. That might involve saying the things you have been holding back, or using writing exercises to put the rageful thoughts into words without having to edit or censor them. For some women, an appropriate physical outlet may also be useful.
The aim is to find what feels manageable and helpful for you, noticing what allows you to express the anger and what leaves you feeling more overwhelmed. You do not have to let everything out at once.
You do not have to choose between holding it all inside and losing control. There can be room to feel and express your anger safely, with support.
And you do not have to find a way to make this fair, or come to terms with it, before you are allowed to say how full of rage you are. What you are going through is unjust, it doesn't easily make sense, and it can feel very cruel to find yourself in this position. So your anger and rage is valid.
If this article resonated with you…
I'm Saff Mitten, a specialist counsellor and psychotherapist supporting women through IVF, infertility, miscarriage and childlessness not by choice.
My approach is shaped by my professional training and experience, together with the personal understanding I bring from having personally lived through these things myself.
Through both my therapeutic work and my writing, I explore the emotional and psychological impact of these experiences to help women make sense of feelings that can often be difficult to put into words and feel less alone.
If you're looking for support with infertility, IVF, miscarriage, or childlessness not by choice, you can follow the link below to learn more about how I support women through these experiences. I work online and support women across the UK.