Ending My Infertility Journey Without Becoming a Mother:
Discovering a Meaningful Life Beyond IVF and Infertility
By Saff Mitten
Coming to terms with the end of my infertility journey and accepting that I would not become a mother was the hardest thing I have ever had to face.
For a long time, I rarely talked about or shared my story of infertility, IVF, and ending up childless not by choice. I somehow felt like it was too private, although I think underneath that thought lay shame around not succeeding in becoming a mother—and feeling different to everyone else.
I knew there was nothing to feel ashamed about. It wasn't my fault, and I wasn't a failure because it hadn't happened. It was just one of those very unexpected and unexplained things that held profound significance for me and my life.
But on some level, I think we are taught to feel a sense of shame because motherhood is what society expects of us, and some people do tend to treat you differently if they know you are childless. There can be an attitude that your life is ‘less than’ or not as worthwhile.
That is how I felt, too, when I first started to come to terms with not being a mother. I felt like I had no real sense of purpose, and my life had no meaning. I questioned, “Who am I now, and what is my life worth?” At times, I even questioned whether I could live a life without children. The loss of the motherhood I had imagined affected me at a fundamental identity level.
However, with therapy and time, I moved through these thoughts and feelings and gradually came to accept that I was going to have to live a different life to the one I had imagined and had put so much into — after more than 10 years of trying and putting everything else on hold.
This was by no means easy. It took a great deal from me.
There was so much grief and loss to process, so much anger and resentment, and such a powerful sense that life was cruel and unfair. But I worked through it and eventually came out the other side.
I thought to begin with that I would be deeply sad forever, and I would never be able to experience happiness or joy due to this enormous loss. But fortunately, I was wrong.
My grief is still present, and I know that on some level, it will always be there. But these days, it is gentle and soft, and my life has developed around it. It doesn't consume me or feel overwhelming. I am not sad all the time. And I am able to feel happiness and experience joy.
To my relief, I also no longer feel triggered or hurt, or find it painful to see babies and children and to find out people are pregnant. I celebrate it, and that comes from a genuine place because I am at peace with the fact that motherhood is not part of my story. The longing has gone because I have accepted it will not happen for me now.
I no longer feel that my life is less than, or not as worthwhile, either. My life has value. It is just a different life to the one I had imagined. And I had to seek out new ways of finding value and purpose. For me, that has largely been through my work.
I was so profoundly impacted by my infertility journey and by how it ended that I decided I wanted to use my skills as a therapist to focus on supporting other women going through this. I feel deeply connected to the infertility community, and it feels incredibly meaningful to do this work.
When helping women navigate their own journeys, I am able to draw upon both my professional skills and my personal experience to support them through whatever their journey brings.
I know what it is like to want to be a mother more than anything. I know what it is to live through the uncertainty, the IVF cycles, miscarriages, the pain, grief, loss, hope, and fear. I know it is one of the hardest things you will ever go through, whether you fulfil your dream of motherhood or not. And I know what it is like when you don't, or when you are fearful you won't, and you are at a crossroads, wondering whether you should keep trying or stop.
Many of the women I work with go on to become mothers, while some do not. I celebrate their successes with them. I support them through grief, loss, and disappointment. And for some women, I help them through the enormously difficult process of coming to terms with being childless not by choice.
This work has given me a renewed sense of purpose, and it brings me real satisfaction to be able to use what I have lived through to help other women feel less alone in what they are facing. I feel incredibly privileged to be alongside them.
If this article resonated with you…
I'm Saff Mitten, a specialist counsellor and psychotherapist supporting women through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
My approach is shaped by my professional training and experience, together with the personal understanding I bring from my own journey through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
Through both my therapeutic work and my writing, I explore the emotional and psychological impact of these experiences to help women make sense of feelings that can often be difficult to put into words and feel less alone.
If you're looking for support with infertility, IVF or miscarriage, you can follow the link below to learn more about how I support women through these experiences. I work online and support women across the UK.