It's OK Not to Feel Happy for Your Friend When they Announce Their Pregnancy
By Saff Mitten
I want to talk about something that often feels controversial, even though it shouldn’t be. When you’re going through infertility or IVF, you may not always feel happy when you hear that a friend, colleague, or family member is pregnant. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human.
We’ve reached a point where it’s socially acceptable to say, “I’m happy for them, but sad for me.” And sometimes that’s true. But it’s also important to acknowledge that you might not feel happy for others at all when you first hear their news. You may get there in time. You may be able to show happiness outwardly. But in the moment, it’s completely normal not to feel it — and if you don’t, that is OK.
It doesn’t mean you’re selfish, unkind, or mean. It means you’re having a very human response to finding out that someone else has achieved the very thing you have been striving for and struggling with for a long time, and it may have happened for them with seemingly little effort.
If they’ve had what looks like an easy time getting pregnant while you’ve been struggling, it can sting. If they’re pregnant with their second or third child while you’re still trying to become a mum, it can feel unfair and unjust. These reactions don’t mean you care about them any less. They’re a natural response to watching someone else reach a milestone you’ve been working towards with everything you have — and still haven’t reached yet.
It’s also normal to compare. To look at the sacrifices you’ve made, the lifestyle changes, the appointments, the financial strain, the emotional labour. And then to see someone who, from the outside, appears to have conceived easily, without giving up much at all. You may find yourself thinking about the contrast and feeling a complicated mix of emotions.
We never truly know what someone else has been through. Their journey may have been more complicated than it appears. Or perhaps it really was straightforward. Either way, when you’re in the depths of infertility — dealing with the daily grief, the uncertainty, and the silent underlying fear that you may never become a mother — comparison can feel almost unavoidable.
Sometimes it’s hard not to see things in stark terms: other women seem to have it easy, while it’s difficult and painful for you. That can bring up feelings that are messy, uncomfortable, and not often spoken aloud. But they are still valid. They are still real. And there is nothing wrong with you for having these reactions.
I work with women every day who are navigating infertility and IVF, and I’ve been through it myself. Both professionally and personally, I want to reassure you: under the circumstances, these feelings are normal, and far more common than you might think.
If any of this resonates with you, please know you’re not alone. Many women feel this way at times. They just don’t often feel able to say it out loud.
That is one of the reasons therapy can be so helpful. It provides a safe space where you can share these things. Where you can admit it out loud and be greeted with understanding and compassion, not judgement. Particularly if you see a therapist like myself who has personally experienced infertility and IVF, and has lived through this themselves.
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I'm Saff Mitten, a specialist counsellor and psychotherapist supporting women through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
My approach is shaped by my professional training and experience, together with the personal understanding I bring from my own journey through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
Through both my therapeutic work and my writing, I explore the emotional and psychological impact of these experiences to help women make sense of feelings that can often be difficult to put into words and feel less alone.
If you're looking for support with infertility, IVF or miscarriage, you can follow the link below to learn more about how I support women through these experiences. I work online and support women across the UK.