Becoming a Mother can be Joyful and Difficult
By Saff Mitten
For a lot of women becoming a mother is a profound and often difficult life transition, as well as being a happy and exciting time.
However, this is not something that is often talked about openly. Instead, the narrative we tend to hear is one of pure, uncomplicated joy. As a result, women who find themselves feeling a complicated mixture of things can end up feeling alone, guilty and ashamed, and even questioning if they are a "good mother".
Rather than shaming women and making them feel there is something wrong with them if their feelings about motherhood are complex, I believe it's critical that we acknowledge the full, honest experience of new motherhood. It is possible to feel immense love for your child while simultaneously struggling with the changes to your life and identity.
The Loss That Doesn't Mean You're Not Happy
When a baby arrives, the entire foundation of your life shifts. So much about your life, your time, your energy, and your experience of self, is fundamentally changed. With this shift, there is often a grieving process associated with the person and life that came before.
This isn't a betrayal of motherhood; it's a natural, emotional response to a significant loss of freedom, spontaneity, and, crucially, your old identity.
Both truths can coexist:
- You can love your baby completely and
feel happy and grateful for the new life you have. - You can also grieve your old life, your old self, and the way things used to be.
These feelings are valid and should be accepted and honoured, both by women and society at large. The pressure on women to feel nothing but "happy" and grateful when they become mothers, makes this transition into a new phase of life often much harder to navigate.
The Profound Shift in Identity
Before your baby arrived, you probably had a certain sense of who you were as a professional, a friend, a partner, an individual. Now, with a new baby, you are first and foremost a mother, and that title can feel all-consuming.
This is often one of the hardest aspects to articulate: feeling like you’ve lost your old self. The version of you that was defined by career goals, independence, or leisurely weekends suddenly feels distant, and you haven't quite figured out who this new person is yet. As a result, you may be questioning everything about your life, your purpose, your relationships, and your future.
It's essential to understand that this feeling of loss doesn't mean your identity is gone; it means it is being reshaped. This process of relinquishing one identity and growing into a new one can be messy, uncomfortable, and deserves gentle acknowledgement and acceptance.
Why It’s Okay to Be Selfish
For many women, the sheer weight of responsibility that comes with being a mother - the constant thinking, planning, and doing, often referred to as the mental load - means they automatically put their own needs last.
However, focusing on your own needs, taking a moment for yourself, or even admitting that you are overwhelmed is not selfish; it is essential. It may be a cliché but its true that you cannot pour from an empty cup. It is perfectly okay to still focus on yourself, while caring for your baby.
Expert Support to help with this Transition
If you are struggling with this new phase of life and what it means for you, you are absolutely not alone. This is one of the life transitions I work with in my therapy practice.
Therapy offers you a space to be truly open and honest, and to explore and process all your thoughts and feelings, without judgement.
If you reach out to me for support, I will welcome you exactly where you are at.
As I see clients online throughout the UK, you don't need to leave your baby with someone else if you see me. I welcome you breastfeeding or bottlefeeding, the baby crying, you burping them, and you showing up exactly as you are, whether in bed, on the sofa, in your pj's.
I will be there alongside you, not to fix or to tell you what to do, but to witness and honour your experience. I will seek to create and hold a safe, non-judgemental space for you to acknowledge all of it - the profound love and happiness, the exhaustion, the loss of identity or sense of self, and the sadness that comes with this immense change.
If you are struggling to process this complex, difficult, and beautiful transition into motherhood, and the profound shift in your identity, please reach out to me at Saff Mitten Therapy for confidential, online support.
If this article resonated with you…
I'm Saff Mitten, a specialist counsellor and psychotherapist supporting women through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
My approach is shaped by my professional training and experience, together with the personal understanding I bring from my own journey through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
Through both my therapeutic work and my writing, I explore the emotional and psychological impact of these experiences to help women make sense of feelings that can often be difficult to put into words and feel less alone.
If you're looking for support with infertility, IVF or miscarriage, you can follow the link below to learn more about how I support women through these experiences. I work online and support women across the UK.