Pregnancy Envy When Dealing With Infertility
The constant stream of pregnancy announcements, baby bumps and baby showers, can feel like a relentless assault when you're navigating infertility.
Everyone is talking about joy and excitement. But for you, seeing those perfect little ultrasound photos or hearing about another friend getting pregnant, seemingly easily, might trigger something else entirely: a sudden, sharp, and deeply unwelcome feeling of pregnancy envy.
And then comes the shame.
If you’ve felt that painful tug of jealousy, quickly followed by the thought, "What kind of horrible friend am I?" - stop right there. We need to talk about this.
Why We Don’t Talk About It
Pregnancy envy and fertility envy are emotions people rarely, if ever, admit to feeling. It can feel dark, mean, and goes against the societal expectation that we must always be happy for others, especially those we care about.
Because of this, it becomes a secret source of shame. We bottle it up, put on a brave face, and silently struggle with the guilt of feeling a complicated mix of sadness for ourselves and a very real tinge of jealousy, envy or even resentment toward others.
You Are Not a Bad Person - You Are Human
Let's be perfectly clear: feeling pregnancy envy does not make you a bad friend, a bad person, or someone undeserving of motherhood.
It makes you human.
This emotion is a totally normal and understandable response to a very difficult situation. Infertility is a chronic grief. When you are dealing with profound loss, disappointment, and the sense that your body is betraying you, seeing others achieve your most longed-for goal, seemingly with ease, is agonizing and like a slap in the face.
Those feelings of envy, jealousy, and even, at times, anger or resentment, are the raw, protective reactions of a hurting heart. They stem from a place of deep pain and longing, not malice.
Your feelings are valid.
What Pregnancy Envy Really Is
When you feel that pang, it’s not really about the pregnant person. It’s about what they represent
- Loss: The loss of the life you pictured for yourself—the easy, assumed path to parenthood.
- Injustice: The deep, frustrating feeling that the world is unfair and that you are being punished.
- Yearning: The acute pain of watching your own dream be realized by someone else while you wait, month after month, cycle after cycle, sometimes through rounds of IVF or other treatments.
This is a form of infertility grief, and you deserve compassion for going through it.
Creating a Safe Space for Difficult Emotions
The most crucial step in managing these feelings is acknowledging them. You need and deserve a safe space to express what you are truly feeling and have it acknowledged as normal, not shameful.
This is often where professional support comes in. A therapist who specialises in infertility can offer that safe, confidential space where:
- Your feelings are validated: There is no judgment. We understand that this is a gut-wrenching experience.
- Coping strategies are developed: We can explore ways to manage the emotional triggers and protect your mental health while still maintaining healthy relationships.
- Grief is processed: We can work through the layers of grief that underpin the envy, allowing you to move toward acceptance and peace.
If the struggle to be happy for others is consuming your energy, leading to social isolation, or causing intense distress, please know that you do not have to carry this burden alone.
If you would like confidential support from a therapist who really understands the complexities of the infertility journey, please reach out. You deserve to be seen, heard, and supported through every difficult emotion this path brings.