Infertility and Childless Not By Choice
By Saff Mitten
Something is often left out of the conversation around infertility, and it's perhaps the most difficult reality to face: the painful truth that for some, the dream of parenthood will not come true, no matter how much they want it or how hard they try.
When you're deeply entrenched in an infertility journey, acknowledging the possibility of it not working out feels like a betrayal of hope. It’s natural to stay positive, to focus intensely on the next treatment, the next step, and everything you can do to bring your desired reality to life. And for many, many people, this perseverance will be rewarded.
But for some, it won't.
Facing the Impossible Possibility
If you are at a point on your journey where you are having to face this possibility, or if this has become your painful reality, nothing could have prepared you for what this is like. It is almost unspeakably hard.
The finality of the decision to stop trying, or the realisation that all options have been exhausted, can feel like a seismic shock. You may feel as if your world is collapsing around you. This loss is so profound that it can shake the very foundations of your identity. You may be questioning everything about your life, your purpose, your relationships, and your future.
The Storm of Emotion
The emotional experience is rarely linear or simple. You may be cycling through an overwhelming storm of feeling all at once including...
1. Grief, Deep Sadness, and Loss
Mourning the future you had envisioned - the baby, the family, the milestones that now won't happen
2. Shock and Despair
Feeling numb, lost, and struggling to process the sheer weight of this reality.
3. Anger, Rage, and Injustice
Feeling betrayed by your body, by life, or by the sheer unfairness of watching others achieve the one thing you desperately wanted.
The truth is, all of these emotions are valid, necessary, and part of the process.
An Incomprehensible Loss
Involuntary childlessness is a unique type of loss. Because it is a loss of a future, a loss of identity, and a loss of a dream that no one else can see, it is often misunderstood or minimised. Very few experiences are harder than this, and a lot of people in your life won't be able to truly fathom what you are going through.
As a result, it is critical that you do not try to navigate this immense pain alone.
I urge you to seek support from someone who genuinely understands the complexity and depth of this new reality.
Expert Support for what you are facing
If you reach out to me for therapeutic support, I can't offer to heal you or to take the pain away. Nobody can.
But what I can tell you is I genuinely understand what you are facing, and I want to help.
I will be there alongside you, to support you every step of the way. Not to try and fix, but to witness and honour your experience. In our sessions, we can:
1. Honour Your Entire Experience
We'll create a safe space for you to express the full range of your emotions - be it the anger, the despair, the shock, and the profound sadness and grief - without judgement or pressure to "move on."
2. Acknowledge Your Loss
I will validate the magnitude of your loss, and how unspeakable it may feel, sitting with you in it and not hurrying you to move beyond it. Grief needs to be felt and expressed.
3. Be With You Where You Are
There is absolutely no timeline for this process. There is no pressure to "be okay," "be positive," or rush toward feeling better. What is necessary right now is simply allowing yourself to be where you are. To feel it, express it, and slowly come to terms with it.
The concepts of rebuilding your identity or looking forward to the future are not for today, and we can hold space for those eventual steps later when you are ready.
For now, I can be alongside you, honouring and acknowledging everything you are going through as you navigate this new reality you never thought you would have to face.
If you are struggling with the emotional weight of an end-of-fertility journey or being childless not by choice, please contact me if you would like support in dealing with this.
Pregnancy Envy is Normal When Facing Infertility
By Saff Mitten
The constant stream of pregnancy announcements, baby bumps and baby showers, can feel like a relentless assault when you're navigating infertility.
Everyone is talking about joy and excitement. But for you, seeing those perfect little ultrasound photos or hearing about another friend getting pregnant, seemingly easily, might trigger something else entirely: a sudden, sharp, and deeply unwelcome feeling of pregnancy envy.
And then comes the shame.
If you’ve felt that painful tug of jealousy, quickly followed by the thought, "What kind of horrible friend am I?" - stop right there. We need to talk about this.
Why We Don’t Talk About It
Pregnancy envy and fertility envy are emotions people rarely, if ever, admit to feeling. It can feel dark, mean, and goes against the societal expectation that we must always be happy for others, especially those we care about.
Because of this, it becomes a secret source of shame. We bottle it up, put on a brave face, and silently struggle with the guilt of feeling a complicated mix of sadness for ourselves and a very real tinge of jealousy, envy or even resentment toward others.
You Are Not a Bad Person - You Are Human
Let's be perfectly clear: feeling pregnancy envy does not make you a bad friend, a bad person, or someone undeserving of motherhood.
It makes you human.
This emotion is a totally normal and understandable response to a very difficult situation. Infertility is a chronic grief. When you are dealing with profound loss, disappointment, and the sense that your body is betraying you, seeing others achieve your most longed-for goal, seemingly with ease, is agonizing and like a slap in the face.
Those feelings of envy, jealousy, and even, at times, anger or resentment, are the raw, protective reactions of a hurting heart. They stem from a place of deep pain and longing, not malice.
Your feelings are valid.
What Pregnancy Envy Really Is
When you feel that pang, it’s not really about the pregnant person. It’s about what they represent
- Loss: The loss of the life you pictured for yourself—the easy, assumed path to parenthood.
- Injustice: The deep, frustrating feeling that the world is unfair and that you are being punished.
- Yearning: The acute pain of watching your own dream be realized by someone else while you wait, month after month, cycle after cycle, sometimes through rounds of IVF or other treatments.
This is a form of infertility grief, and you deserve compassion for going through it.
Creating a Safe Space for Difficult Emotions
The most crucial step in managing these feelings is acknowledging them. You need and deserve a safe space to express what you are truly feeling and have it acknowledged as normal, not shameful.
This is often where professional support comes in. A therapist who specialises in infertility can offer that safe, confidential space where:
- Your feelings are validated: There is no judgment. We understand that this is a gut-wrenching experience.
- Coping strategies are developed: We can explore ways to manage the emotional triggers and protect your mental health while still maintaining healthy relationships.
- Grief is processed: We can work through the layers of grief that underpin the envy, allowing you to move toward acceptance and peace.
If the struggle to be happy for others is consuming your energy, leading to social isolation, or causing intense distress, please know that you do not have to carry this burden alone.
If you would like confidential support from a therapist who really understands the complexities of the infertility journey, please reach out. You deserve to be seen, heard, and supported through every difficult emotion this path brings.
If this article resonated with you…
I'm Saff Mitten, a specialist counsellor and psychotherapist supporting women through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
My approach is shaped by my professional training and experience, together with the personal understanding I bring from my own journey through IVF, infertility and miscarriage.
Through both my therapeutic work and my writing, I explore the emotional and psychological impact of these experiences to help women make sense of feelings that can often be difficult to put into words and feel less alone.
If you're looking for support with infertility, IVF or miscarriage, you can follow the link below to learn more about how I support women through these experiences. I work online and support women across the UK.