When the Fertility Journey Shrinks Your Life

By Saff Mitten

At first, it may feel like a necessary trade-off. You might decide to give this journey everything you have to ensure success, wanting to look back and know you did every single thing within your power. But over time, those choices could begin to narrow your world until it feels like there is very little else left.

The Gradual Erosion of Connection

The isolation often starts with your social life. You might stop going out for drinks because you’ve cut out alcohol to optimise your health. You may begin to turn down late-night invites because you’re prioritizing sleep and routine. Even a simple dinner out could start to feel like a minefield; you might prefer to stay home and cook from scratch so you can control every ingredient and ensure you're "eating for fertility."

Slowly, "no" may become your default setting. You might stop seeing certain friends because the gap between your life and theirs feels too wide to bridge. You aren't just protecting your body; you may be trying to protect yourself from the exhaustion of pretending you’re okay.

The Impact on Your Resources and Plans

The things that used to provide a "reset" - like holidays or weekend breaks - might start to disappear. Financial resources may be funnelled instead into clinics, tests, and supplements. You might find yourself avoiding planning anything too far in advance because your life feels dictated by a cycle of appointments and waiting. You may feel unable to commit to a trip six months away because you don’t know where you’ll be in the process, or if you’ll be mid-cycle, or mid-grief.

Eventually, you might look around and realise your life seems to consist of only two things: work and this.

The Identity Crisis

When the journey becomes longer and harder, and you experience the heartache of loss, the goal can feel further away than ever. This is the point where the journey may become even more important to you. Because you have sacrificed so much - your joy, your hobbies, and your connections - you might feel you must succeed to make all that "nothingness" worth it.

You may begin to wonder who you even are without this. It can be a challenging and scary place to find yourself - particularly if you are starting to accept that despite all you have sacrificed, success is not guaranteed.

Facing the possibility of not becoming a mother can feel terrifying when you have sacrificed so much for it.

How Therapy Can Help

If you feel like your world has shrunk considerably, and you are at a point where you no longer recognise your self, therapy could be a vital support.

It is important to acknowledge that the fertility journey has likely changed you in some ways.

Reclaiming aspects of who you are - and of your life - outside of the fertility journey, isn't about trying to get back to where you were before all of this started. It’s about exploring who you are now and discovering what else might make you happy or give you glimmers of joy, alongside the fertility journey.

In therapy we might look at:

• Exploring the Present Self: What aspects of your life do you miss? What aspects of yourself feel like they may have gradually disappeared?
• Manageable Shifts: Identifying small things that could feel realistic to add back into your life - nothing too big that feels daunting, time-consuming, or stressful.
• New Interests: Exploring new things you might like to try that have nothing to do with the "process" which might be enjoyable, relaxing or even possibly fun.

The aim is to help you reclaim a small amount of self outside of the process. And these small shifts are not a distraction; they may actually help you to feel less stressed and more balanced.

A Note on Self-Compassion

Above all, please try to be kind to yourself. You may have been operating in "survival mode" for a long time, and the shrinking of your world will have happened gradually over the months and years of this process.

Gently allowing your life to expand in small ways again isn't a betrayal of your goal, and it doesnt have to get in the way of your objective. Instead, it's an investment in the person you are today.

You deserve to take up space and to have a sense of identity that exists alongside the journey, rather than being entirely consumed by it.

If you would like to find out more about how I support women with different aspects of the fertility journey, including IVF, and coming to terms with the possibility of your journey ending, you can read more here.