Why Fertility Struggles Often Change Your Friendships
Fertility struggles can alter the dynamics of even your closest friendships. While some friends stay present, others drift, and the emotional fallout of that shift is far more common - and more painful - than most people realise.
Many women describe this as one of the most unexpected and painful parts of the experience: realising that the people you thought would be there for you respond in very different ways. Some friends show up fully - they ask, they check in, they try, even when they don’t know what to say. But for many, these friends are the minority.
More often, people pull back, become unsure, or simply don’t make space for what you’re going through. That contrast can be jarring, and it adds another layer of grief to an already difficult journey.
When Friends Become Parents
When friends have children, their lives shift quickly. That shift often creates an imbalance you can feel immediately.
- You become the flexible one - travelling to them, working around nap schedules, spending time in their homes because they can’t easily leave, or at child friendly cafe's and venues. While you may understand the need for this, it can also lead to a certain amount of resentment - the fact that things have to revolve around them.
- Conversations narrow - most of the focus is on their babies and children, and your own life, including your fertility journey, can feel overlooked.
- They naturally gravitate toward other mums - regularly spending time with other mums can feel easier for them and make them feel more connected early in motherhood, but this means you may feel excluded.
- You feel out of place - when you do meet up, particularly if in a group, being surrounded by mothers when you’re still trying to become one yourself can be painful, and you may feel you have little to contribute to the conversations.
- Being around their babies may be triggering and difficult for you - you might find yourself in scenarios that feel really painful and difficult, like sitting in a child friendly cafe with a group of mum friends, listening to them talking about breastfeeding or weaning while they nurse their babies or have them next to them in buggies - all while you are silently carrying the weight of another failed IVF cycle.
All these instances can be deeply challenging, making you feel isolated and lonely, and pushing you to the edges of friendship groups that once felt secure.
When New Mothers Seem to Pull Away
It isn’t always about being busy or preoccupied. Sometimes new mothers don’t know how to hold your experience alongside their own. This can be for many reasons, including the following.
- Fear - your situation may remind them that pregnancy and parenthood aren’t guaranteed, and that can feel uncomfortable.
- Guilt - they may feel guilty for having what you’re desperately hoping for, which leads to silence or distance.
- Awkwardness - they may not know what to say or how to support you, and so instead of just telling you that - and asking what you need - they might retreat and become less present with you.
- Protecting their “bubble” - many new mothers want to stay in a positive, contained space while they adjust. Anything emotionally heavy outside of that, can feel like too much.
When Friends Without Children Feel Distant
There’s also the disconnect with friends who aren’t parents but who aren’t on the fertility path either. They may be single, travelling, building careers, or living in a way that feels open and full of possibility. This could lead to distance for a number of reasons including the following.
- You can’t always join in - their plans are spontaneous and energetic; your life is structured around treatment, recovery, and emotional capacity.
- You struggle to relate - their priorities may be growth, exploration and fun; yours are coping with everyday life while trying to create the family you so desperately want, and grappling with grief, loss and disappointment.
- They don’t always understand the impact of what you are dealing with - fertility struggles are invisible, and unless they have been through it themselves, it’s easy for others to underestimate how much it affects you and every aspect of your life.
- You feel left behind - their lives move forward in ways that feel out of reach for you right now, while you feel stuck in a state of limbo.
You might see their holiday photos on Instagram and feel a pang of jealousy or envy as you have been unable to plan to go anywhere due to your IVF schedule. Or in the group chat they may be giving updates on dating, planning girls nights out or weekends away, and trying to get tickets for the festivals they want to attend this summer - and you may feel there just isn't space for you to start talking about your latest IVF cycle, or the grief from your recent miscarriage. It's like you are suddenly worlds apart and it's difficult to bridge the gap.
When Fertility Becomes All‑Consuming
In addition to friends priorities changing and them perhaps behaving differently towards you, the fertility journey is often long and becomes all‑consuming, and this alone can change the shape of your friendships.
Given what you are dealing with, you will likely have less time, less energy, and less emotional capacity to put toward maintaining relationships in the way you once did. Checking in on others, keeping up with their lives, or making plans, can feel difficult when so much of your focus is on treatment, recovery, and simply getting through each stage - alongside the grief, pain and loss that you may be carrying. As a result, how you interact with friends may change.
- You start saying no - to baby showers, birthdays, and gatherings, because you don’t have the capacity or energy for them, or because it's too painful and triggering.
- You feel like you have little to contribute - when your life revolves around cycles and appointments, it’s hard to feel engaged in everyday conversation and you may feel its too much of a downer to talk about what you are going through, particularly because people don't seem to know how to respond.
- Tension may build - some friends may feel let down and expect more from you, not realising that you just don't have the capacity to offer more than you are; others may tire of hearing about your fertility journey when it goes on for months and then years - which it often will. So resentment can grow on both sides.
The fact is, unless they have been through something similar, friends don’t always realise how difficult and all consuming the process of IVF and fertility struggles are. They may interpret your withdrawal as a lack of interest or effort. They may feel disappointed or let down, and assume you’re not showing up for them. Over time, they may put in less effort too, which only widens the gap.
The Isolation That Follows
For all the different reasons discussed above, friendships may change and drift while you are facing fertility issues, and this can intensify the loneliness and isolation you may already be feeling.
You’re grieving the family you thought you would easily achieve which is now no longer guaranteed, and at the same time, you’re grieving the friendships that no longer feel as close or as reliable. Feeling disconnected, disappointed, or hurt by how people show up for you, adds another layer of grief to an already demanding experience.
It’s not just loneliness - it’s the loss of the social support you expected to have during one of the hardest periods of your life.
Why Specialist Support Matters
When friends can’t (or won't) be there for you in the way that you need, a therapist becomes important - particularly one who specialises in fertility issues. The benefits can include the following.
- They understand the medical process - you don’t have to explain the basics to them of what you are going through or justify why each stage feels significant.
- They make space for difficult feelings - including anger, jealousy, or resentment, and welcome them without judgement.
- They help you manage the social impact - the guilt of saying no, the strain in friendships, and the emotional fallout of being around babies or pregnancy news.
- They help you decide how, or whether, to communicate your hurt - therapy gives you space to explore whether you want to share your feelings with certain friends, whether you want to name the disconnect, or whether it feels healthier to step back without explaining.
- They can offer the support you hoped your friends would give - specialist therapists understand this landscape deeply. They know what fertility struggles feel like, how isolating they can be, and how painful it is when friendships shift. They can provide the validation, steadiness, and emotional holding that friends may not have been able to offer.
Having a space where you don’t have to minimise or translate your experience can be stabilising and offer a sense of real support and holding, when your world feels uncertain, and you feel vulnerable and lonely in your friendships.
Reassessing Your Circle
Part of this journey can also involve accepting that your friendships may change. This can be hard to accept, but it's perhaps also natural.
- Some friendships will fade - not because you failed, but because they couldn’t meet you where you were or too much space and difference developed between you.
- Some will shift temporarily - you may drift apart somewhat but reconnect when your lives feel more aligned.
- Some will strengthen or be reaffirmed - the friends who stay, who listen, and who make space for your reality become central.
Letting go of the expectation that every friendship will survive this period can be painful, but it can also create room for relationships that genuinely support you, and can free up energy to focus on what really matters.
What This All Comes Down To
When you are on a long fertility journey, it's common to experience distance developing with some friendships, and at times that can be difficult to repair. Feeling isolated, disappointed, or hurt by how people show up adds another layer of grief to an already demanding and painful experience. You shouldn’t have to carry all the emotional labour, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for being absorbed in something that affects every part of your life. Prioritising your mental health and the relationships that genuinely support you is not only reasonable - it’s necessary.