Donor Eggs or Sperm: Understanding the Emotional Impact & How Therapy Can Help
For many people - including same‑sex couples, solo parents by choice, and heterosexual couples with clear medical reasons - donor eggs or sperm are part of the conversation from the very beginning of their fertility journey. It’s simply one of the available paths to building a family.
But for many heterosexual couples who begin their journey expecting to use their own eggs and sperm, the idea of using a donor often arrives much later, sometimes after months or years of trying, testing, and treatment. By the time donor conception is mentioned, there is often already a long history of loss, disappointment, and emotional exhaustion behind them.
This article focuses on that experience: the moment when a heterosexual couple, partway through fertility treatment, is suddenly asked to consider using donor eggs in IVF or using donor sperm — and the emotional, psychological, and relational impact this can have on each partner.
How Each Partner May Experience This Differently
Even in the closest, most loving relationships, partners can find themselves standing in very different emotional places when donor conception becomes part of the conversation.
One partner might feel relief - a sense of, “Finally, a way forward.”
The other might feel grief, shame, or a sense of failure - “Why can’t my body do what it’s supposed to do?”
One partner may feel ready to move ahead.
The other may feel overwhelmed or resistant, needing more time to process the loss of a genetic connection.
These differences don’t mean you’re not aligned as a couple. They mean you’re human - and that you’re each carrying your own history, fears, and hopes into this moment.
The Fears You Might Not Say Out Loud
When donor eggs or sperm become part of your fertility journey, it can open up a whole world of questions that feel too raw, too shameful, or too “unacceptable” to voice - to your partner, or even to yourself.
Some of the most common fears include:
“What if they don’t look like me?”
You might imagine family gatherings, school photos, or strangers commenting on who your child resembles. You might fear that every difference will feel like a reminder of the genetic gap.
“Will people notice? Will they make comments?”
Even innocent remarks about resemblance can land painfully. People don’t know the story, but their words can still sting.
“Will people make jokes about me not being the dad?”
For men facing the possibility of using donor sperm in IVF, this fear can be especially painful. Beneath it sits a deeper question about identity, belonging, and masculinity.
“Will my partner feel the child is more theirs than mine?”
This fear can show up for either partner.
For men using donor sperm, the worry might be that their partner will have a deeper bond because she carried the pregnancy.
For women considering using donor eggs in IVF, the fear might be that their partner will feel more connected because the child shares his genetics.
“Will they have more right to make decisions about our child?”
A quiet but powerful fear - the idea that genetics might somehow translate into authority or legitimacy.
“What if I don’t bond with them?”
This is one of the most common fears. People worry that without a genetic link, something essential will be missing.
“What if we have nothing in common?”
Parents often imagine future moments - shared interests, personality traits, quirks - and wonder whether those will still be possible.
“Should we tell them they were conceived using a donor?”
This question can feel enormous.
If you tell them, will it change how they see you?
If you don’t, will secrecy create distance later?
“If we tell them, will they reject me?”
This fear can be especially strong for the non‑genetic parent - the worry that the child will seek out the donor and turn away from the parent who raised them.
“If we were to separate, would I still have rights to see the child?”
This speaks to the fragility some people feel in their role as a parent, and the fear that genetics might overshadow the reality of the relationship they’ve built.
These fears don’t make you a bad person or a bad partner. They don’t mean you’re not ready to be a parent. They mean you’re trying to make sense of something emotionally complex, with real implications for your identity, your relationship, and your future family.
The Emotional Realities Couples Often Don’t Talk About
Alongside these fears, there can be other emotions that feel difficult to admit:
- Anger or resentment toward your partner
- Frustration about whose body has endured what
- A sense of injustice if you’ve been through multiple rounds of IVF with no medical explanation
- Hurt if your partner is reluctant to consider donor sperm or donor eggs
- Confusion about what this means for your identity as a parent
- Grief for the child you imagined
These emotions don’t mean you’re making the wrong decision. They mean you’re acknowledging the truth of what this moment represents.
How Therapy Can Support You Through This Decision
Therapy offers a space where you don’t have to hold everything together. A space where you can be honest about the parts of this journey that feel messy, painful, or contradictory.
Exploring What Donor Conception Means For You
Therapy can help you slow down and explore:
- What this possibility brings up emotionally
- What fears or hopes are sitting underneath
- What the alternatives are, and how each option feels
- Whether you’re ready to move forward, or whether you need more time
This isn’t about being persuaded. It’s about being understood.
Making Sense of Grief, Fear, and Conflicting Emotions
Therapy gives you permission to feel everything you’re feeling: even the parts you’re not proud of, or the parts you don’t want to say out loud.
It can help you:
- Name the losses you’re carrying
- Understand the fears that feel too big or too shameful
- Hold the parts of you that feel resistant or unsure
- Find steadiness in the middle of uncertainty
Why Individual Therapy Can Be Especially Helpful
Even in strong relationships, couples often try to protect each other. You might worry that sharing your sadness or anger will hurt your partner, or that they’re already carrying enough.
Seeing a therapist on your own can give you space to explore:
- Your personal reactions
- The thoughts you’re afraid to voice
- The emotions you don’t want to burden your partner with
- The parts of you that feel conflicted, resentful, or overwhelmed
This isn’t a sign of disconnection. It’s a way of caring for yourself and giving yourself space so you can determine what you think and want - and you can then communicate this to your partner in a healthy, productive way.
Therapy as a couple may also be of benefit in helping you to make the actual decision, but getting clear in your own head - examining your own thoughts, feelings and reactions, can be extremely beneficial.
Supporting You Through The “Less Palatable” Emotions
Individual therapy can also help you make sense of feelings like:
- Frustration or anger at your partner
- Resentment about whose body has endured what
- Fear of not bonding with the baby
- Worry about being “different” as a family
- Shame around fertility challenges
Many people seek emotional support for donor conception as they navigate these complex, often contradictory feelings. Therapy gives them a safe place in which to do this.
Finding a Path Forward That Feels Like Yours
There is no right way to feel about donor eggs or donor sperm. No correct emotional timeline. No single path through the complexity.
What matters is that you have space to:
- Understand your own feelings
- Honour your grief
- Explore your fears
- Make decisions from a grounded place
- Stay connected to yourself and your partner
Therapy can help you find clarity, compassion, and a sense of agency - whatever decision you make.