Infertility and Childless Not By Choice

By Saff Mitten

Something is often left out of the conversation around infertility, and it's perhaps the most difficult reality to face: the painful truth that for some, the dream of parenthood will not come true, no matter how much they want it or how hard they try.

When you're deeply entrenched in an infertility journey, acknowledging the possibility of it not working out feels like a betrayal of hope. It’s natural to stay positive, to focus intensely on the next treatment, the next step, and everything you can do to bring your desired reality to life. And for many, many people, this perseverance will be rewarded.

But for some, it won't.

Facing the Impossible Possibility

If you are at a point on your journey where you are having to face this possibility, or if this has become your painful reality, nothing could have prepared you for what this is like. It is almost unspeakably hard.

The finality of the decision to stop trying, or the realisation that all options have been exhausted, can feel like a seismic shock. You may feel as if your world is collapsing around you. This loss is so profound that it can shake the very foundations of your identity. You may be questioning everything about your life, your purpose, your relationships, and your future.

The Storm of Emotion

The emotional experience is rarely linear or simple. You may be cycling through an overwhelming storm of feeling all at once including...

1. Grief, Deep Sadness, and Loss

Mourning the future you had envisioned - the baby, the family, the milestones that now won't happen

2. Shock and Despair

Feeling numb, lost, and struggling to process the sheer weight of this reality.

3. Anger, Rage, and Injustice

Feeling betrayed by your body, by life, or by the sheer unfairness of watching others achieve the one thing you desperately wanted.

The truth is, all of these emotions are valid, necessary, and part of the process.

An Incomprehensible Loss

Involuntary childlessness is a unique type of loss. Because it is a loss of a future, a loss of identity, and a loss of a dream that no one else can see, it is often misunderstood or minimised. Very few experiences are harder than this, and a lot of people in your life won't be able to truly fathom what you are going through.

As a result, it is critical that you do not try to navigate this immense pain alone.

I urge you to seek support from someone who genuinely understands the complexity and depth of this new reality.

Expert Support for what you are facing

If you reach out to me for therapeutic support, I can't offer to heal you or to take the pain away. Nobody can.

But what I can tell you is I genuinely understand what you are facing, and I want to help.

I will be there alongside you, to support you every step of the way. Not to try and fix, but to witness and honour your experience. In our sessions, we can:

1. Honour Your Entire Experience

We'll create a safe space for you to express the full range of your emotions - be it the anger, the despair, the shock, and the profound sadness and grief - without judgement or pressure to "move on."

2. Acknowledge Your Loss

I will validate the magnitude of your loss, and how unspeakable it may feel, sitting with you in it and not hurrying you to move beyond it. Grief needs to be felt and expressed.

3. Be With You Where You Are

There is absolutely no timeline for this process. There is no pressure to "be okay," "be positive," or rush toward feeling better. What is necessary right now is simply allowing yourself to be where you are. To feel it, express it, and slowly come to terms with it.

The concepts of rebuilding your identity or looking forward to the future are not for today, and we can hold space for those eventual steps later when you are ready.

​For now, I can be alongside you, honouring and acknowledging everything you are going through as you navigate this new reality you never thought you would have to face.

​If you are struggling with the emotional weight of an end-of-fertility journey or being childless not by choice, please contact me if you would like support in dealing with this.